


Mask Schemes

by StareIntoTheSunset



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action (Sorta), Crack yet serious at the same time, Hidan and his beautiful vocabulary, I don't know, I'm not good at tags forgive me, Minor Swearing, Obito is messing with all of them, a flustered Deidara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-04-14 08:18:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14131977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StareIntoTheSunset/pseuds/StareIntoTheSunset
Summary: Suspicious as to what's under Tobi's mask, the Akatsuki team up and try to find out. But will they ever be able to unmask him, much less catch a glimpse, at least? Find out as you read on! Rated T for minor swearing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

For a while now, Tobi had been the new member in the Akatsuki. No one knew why he was recruited, since the only side they'd seen of the masked man was his frilly, happy-go-lucky, girly, and stupid side.

No one questioned Leader about it, although whenever the masked man did something unbelievably idiotic, they questioned it with all their being.

If only they knew how he really was.

Tobi was actually many levels ahead of everyone, including the Leader. He was on his own tier of power. In fact, he could take on all the Akatsuki members combined. He was elite, athletic, and practically perfect at everything he did. This included cooking, too. And braiding hair.

He was Obito, Madara, and a Zetsu combined, but wasn't quite any of them.

The man behind the mask's real plan was to use the Akatsuki as part of his quest - to complete the eye of the moon plan. They would always ridicule him, make fun of him, and treat him like a lesser being. The man behind the mask would always chuckle or smile quietly, because compared to him, they were nothing.

Hidan was a creepy, blood-loving, Jashin worshiper, who had a very…  _colourful_  vocabulary. Tobi found that his immortality was useful and valuable, although he found his rituals disturbing and creepy. Nevertheless, he couldn't deny that both he was a valuable asset. With his partner, Kakuzu, he was unstoppable.

Kakuzu was always on about money, but was an exceptional fighter, judging his age. He was strong, fast, and proficient in taijustsu. When Tobi first learned of his age, he was surprised that he wasn't surprised. Ninety was nothing compared to Madara's age. Age does not judge in the shinobi world.

Sasori was the person Tobi replaced. He's never even met the man, but judging from how the others talked about him, he was into puppets. And he  _was_  one. But what he also heard was that Sasori was a powerhouse. He was the strongest puppet master in the entire shinobi world, with two hundred and eighty-nine puppets at his disposal, along with his extremely useful puppet body that gave him incredible versatility, and apparently took down an entire country. It was a shame to lose him. He was a valuable asset.

Kisame was a very valuable part of the Akatsuki. He was very powerful, elite, and took no hesitation in killing those in his way. In battle, he is very keen-minded and perceptive, often able to look into the basics of his opponent's techniques and figure out a way to avoid any potential dangers. With Samehada by his side, his power was equal to those of the jinchuuriki.

Itachi was brought to Tobi's attention. It was his first time seeing him after the Uchiha massacre so long ago. He had heard that Itachi was a prodigy, fit to be Hokage. There wasn't much to talk about the man. He was mature, and exceptionally skilled. 

Pein and Konan were a deadly duo. Both were equally strong, and both were equally adept in battle.  _Tobi_  was afraid of them, with their demeaning auras, but  _Obito_  was not. Both were equally mysterious, and were not easily persuade. In order to get into the Akatsuki in the first place, he had to spill a bit of his dirty little secret. Fortunately, they agreed to helping him with his plan, even though he was just using them to his disposal anyways.

But most of all, he would laugh at his short-tempered, blonde artist of a partner. Ever since they were partners, Tobi found himself attached to the man. He made fun of Deidara so much, he almost always expected to get blown up in the end. But also, in that end, Deidara was merely one pawn.

Despite his extremely prideful nature, and his ego being as large as a juubi blast, Deidara was not one you should deal with. In battle, he was intelligent, often using misdirection or tricks to lure his opponents into the range of where his bombs were. Deidara also possessed the Explosion Release kekkei genkai, a very useful, unique, and powerful genkai that even leaderhad given praise to.

Of course, the rest of the Akatsuki would start to become suspicious as to what was under that swirly, neon orange mask that strangely resembled a pumpkin. No one has ever seen Tobi's real face. Every time he ate, it was like his food disappeared in a flash. The mask would go up and down in the time range of a second. Not even Itachi, with his Mangekyo Sharingan, could be able to catch a glimpse.

Even his own partner, Deidara, had never seen the man behind the mask.  _So who exactly is he, and why is he here?_  They all would wonder.

One day, while Tobi had to attend private matters with Zetsu, the rest Akatsuki members had a meeting to discuss the matter (Excluding Pein and Konan).

"What the hell are we meeting for, again?" Hidan asked, clearly irritated, as his ritual had been disturbed.

Deidara grunted. "Listen… I know it's strange that I'm asking this, hm, but I need help."

Hidan stared at him in disbelief and burst out laughing. "What?!  _You,_ of all the Akatsuki, need help?! Aw, poor Deidara-chan. Looks like the little bird needs help."

"Fuck off, Hidan. Just listen to me."

"Ha! As if! My ritual got disturbed because your weak ass needed our help for something. Hell, as if I fucking care! Just let the others help you and I'll go back to –."

"Shut up, Hidan." Kakuzu interrupted. "Kids these days… so loud."

"What did you bring us here for, Deidara?" Kisame asked.

Deidara looked at all the Akatsuki members and uttered, "I want to know what's under Tobi's mask, hm. That moron has been annoying me for ages, and I've been wondering why Leader put him in the Akatsuki. Why would a dumbass like him be here? All he does is walk around, pick flowers, and make stupid remarks."

"Your point?" The shark-like man said, wondering where Deidara was heading.

"I've had a theory for a while, yeah. What if Tobi is actually – and I know this sounds stupid but – a prodigy at fighting? Like, what if he was just hiding his skills from us? Think about it, hm. We were all recruited because we are powerful S-rank nins that are able to destroy entire countries. Why would you think Leader would recruit someone so… so…  _stupid?_  Tobi is nowhere near our levels. He's leagues below us, un. I just don't understand why Leader would recruit someone like that."

The whole room was quiet. Deidara bit his lip, wondering if they were severely judging him or actually thinking about helping him.

"I don't see why this is necessary. There is no reason to do this. This is pointless and a waste of time." Itachi said.

Ah, a manly blow to the artist's pride. Deidara's cheeks erupted with a blazing red furiously. He was about to retort when Kakuzu cut him off.

"I'll only help if you give me one million ryo." Kakuzu said flatly.

"A million ryo?!" Deidara turned to look at him and screeched. "I'd rather die, yeah!"

Deidara's cheeks flared up once more. If this didn't work, he'd be so ashamed he wouldn't be able to talk to any of the Akatsuki members ever again. His ego was already shrinking by the minute. 

"Well then, I won't help. If I don't get anything out of this, I won't bother in helping."

The blond knew it. He shouldn't have talked. Asking for help was hard enough, as a manlike him had too big of an ego to ask for help, especially when it came to the absolute dumbest member in the organization. 

"C'mon, Kakuzu. Admit it; you've been curious of what's under Tobi's mask, too, right?" Kisame stepped in, much to Deidara's relief. The shark-like man actually thought this was a fun idea. He had been very curious, too. When he wasn't doing missions, all he did was train and plan. And the Akatsuki had too much time on their hands, anyways.

The charcoal-haired man thought for a few moments, and then uttered, "Sure… I'll do it."

Deidara's heart jumped with hope. God, he'd have to thank Kisame later.

"…But only if you give me money in return."

And Deidara's hope and faith in this plan went back down.

"Fine! How much do I owe you, hm?" Deidara said irritably. 

"…A million ry –."

"No, hm! Give me a lower price, or else you'll take up all of my money!"

An Uchiha's sigh could suddenly be heard in the distance. All the Akatsuki looked at where the sound was coming from.

The raven-haired man was leaning against the walls of the Akatsuki's base, arms crossed and looking at the ground. "I don't see why this is necessary. There is no reason to do this. This is pointless and a waste of time." He repeated his statement from earlier.

Deidara growled under his breath. He never liked the Uchiha, or anyone who possessed the Sharingan. They judged his beautiful art. The blond artist took a deep breath, trying to calm down. As much as he hated admitting it, getting Itachi on his team would give him a major advantage. With his disgusting Sharingan, he could try putting Tobi in a genjutsu or something. 

 _Think, think, think…!_ Deidara thought furiously.

Lost in thought, the blond's gaze had landed on Kisame. And that is when he got an idea.

"Oi, Kisame, un. Itachi's no fun. I can see why Sasuke doesn't like him…" Deidara trailed off and looked at the shark-like man, tipping his chin in Itachi's direction, hoping that Kisame could understand what he was saying.

The bomber smiled as he saw Kisame's face light up.

_They were going to play the Sasuke card._

"Ah, you're right. Now I understand why Sasuke hates you so much." The Uchiha's eyebrows furrowed angrily, but before he could reply with a retort, Kisame continued. "You're not a very fun brother to be around. How boring."

Almost immediately, Itachi locked eyes with Deidara. "What do we have to do?" He said rather boldly.

The rest of the Akatsuki stared at him in disbelief.  _Is he really that easy to...?_

"Hey, hey, hey! I never agreed to this!" Hidan yelled. "Besides, you guys disturbed my fucking ritual!"

"Same here." Kakuzu agreed. "I never said I would be a part of this. No money, no help."

Itachi both of them a death glare. "Hidan, I will cut off your head and bury it if you don't help us."

The Jashin worshipper's jaw slackened as he heard Itachi say that. "What the fuck are you –."

"And Kakuzu," Itachi interrupted Hidan, "I'll steal all of your money if you don't help."

The man stayed quiet for a few seconds, and finally responded with, "…Fine." Rather reluctantly.

Deidara grinned triumphantly. He couldn't believe Itachi convinced them that easily! But the best part was… mission "Unmasked" was under control!

* * *

Obito stood hidden inside the Akatsuki base, quietly eavesdropping on their entire conversation.

_Oh, so they wanna play a game? We'll see about that._

* * *

**(A/N: In each chapter, one Akatsuki member will try to unmask Tobi, or try to catch a glimpse of his face. Hope you enjoyed~! I'll try updating as soon as I'm able to. This fanfic is merely for jokes, yet I would like it to seem serious at times. The "Sasuke Card" was just for fun though. I know Itachi would never fall for that.**

**Also, my sincere apologies if any of the characters are OOC. It's been a while since I've watched Naruto, and I'm not one to write down the characters' personalities so flawlessly.**

**I'm so sorry if there are any typos, this chapter was a bit rushed at the end since I've been pretty busy and quite stressed. Please review, and I'll see you soon!)**


	2. Chapter Two: Deidara

Obito quietly left after hearing their plan, swiftly activating Kamui, feeling the corners of his mouth lift a little. 

It had been a while since he'd had fun.

* * *

 Deidara looked at everyone expectantly, saying, "So, who'll go first, hm?" 

All the Akatsuki stayed quiet, neither one of them volunteering. Itachi kept staring at the ground, arms crossed, his Akatsuki cloak gripped onto the walls of their base as he leaned. Kakuzu was sitting down, counting his money as if not even participating. Hidan sat cross-legged, muttering various words that Deidara wouldn't care to decipher. He was probably praying to his god or whatever. Kisame just sighed. 

The bomber's eye twitched. Why was no one saying anything, dammit!?

He cleared his throat, getting a little impatient. A few minutes had passed, and the entire room was still quiet, the atmosphere awkward and vague. 

"Are any of you even listening?" Deidara asked loudly, clearly irritated. This was a waste of time. Someone could've already been heading off to Tobi by now!

"Why don't you go first, Deidara?" Kakuzu said idly, still counting money. 

"What? Why me?"

"Because it's your  _fucking_  idea," Hidan answered for him. A smug smirk suddenly appeared on his mouth as he added, " _Dei-chan._ "

"I told you to stop calling me that, un!" Said man yelled, his cheeks erupting in a shade of light red. He hated that nickname. 

"As if! I think the name suits you, ne, Dei-chan?" Hidan teased, altering his voice to an alarmingly irritable level.

"Hidan, shut up." Kakuzu scolded him. "Your tone of voice is making me want to throw up, more than usual." 

"What the hell do you mean by 'more than usual', you wrinkly old bastard?" The silver-haired man retorted.

"Quiet. Are you going or not, Deidara?" Itachi asked flatly.

Deidara but his lip. He didn't want to go first. It was too sudden. He needed to observe, he needed to think, he needed to plan, he needed to - 

Wait. Why was he thinking these things? This was _Tobi_ for Kami's sake. This wasn't some S-Rank nin who could easily defeat him in seconds. This was the dumbest member of the Akatsuki. He probably wouldn't even notice if his mask was even gone. Still, this was his plan in the first place. It was only fair that he went first. 

"What're you waiting for, Deidara?" Kisame asked. 

"I just... nothing, hm. Just mentally berating myself." (Mood) He sighed, and then smirked. "I guess I'll go first. I can see you all don't underestimate me, yeah. I bet I'll be able to unmask him by myself." 

"You cocky fucker! If you think that, then why the hell did you ask for our _fucking_ help?!" Hidan screeched. 

All Deidara could answer with was a little, "Tch," crossing his arms tightly over his chest and looking away. 

"So what the fuck are we doing, then?" The Jashinist continued, brows furrowed. "There's no fucking reason to - _oh_." 

_It's in case he fails._

A huge smirk spread across the sliver-haired man's face before he burst out laughing. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. So the moron realized something for once. 

Hidan wiped a tear, still dying from laughter. "That's to be expected from you, Dei-chan! Hahahaha! This is fucking gold!"

Deidara's cheeks burned with fury. He vowed that once he succeeded he would gloat in Hidan's face as much as he could. The thought made him cheer up. 

"Well, I'm off. Wish me luck, hm." He said, ignoring the silver-haired man.

"I hope you fail!" Hidan laughed. 

"Like hell I would!" The blond snapped. "Tobi won't be able to stand my art. I'll blow him away." 

"Your jokes are fucking  _terrible_!"

"Enough, you two." Kisame scolded them. He turned towards Deidara, saying, "Good luck." 

And with that, Deidara walked away from the hideout. 

After about fifteen minutes of looking, Deidara found Tobi nearby, picking flowers. Out of the corner of his eye, Obito saw Deidara head towards him. 

 _So he's going first, eh?_  He thought. He turned around to face him. 

"Oh! Hi, Deidara-senpai!" The man with the mask greeted him with a wave, pretending as if he'd just saw him. 

"Hey, Tobi." The bomber said. "What're you doing?" 

"I'm planning on making a flower crown!" The ravenette answered happily. He turned his back, continuing to pick flowers. 

"That's cool, hm." Deidara said, absent-minded. 

They stood there, shrouded in an uncomfortable silence. Deidara needed to think of some way to get his mask off without him noticing. And if he couldn't do that, a simple glance would satisfy him. Maybe he could treat him to lunch. It was almost noon, after all, and he'd figured that maybe Tobi hadn't eaten yet. From there, he could maybe find a way to catch a glance. 

"Oi," Deidara said, breaking the silence, "Let's go to a dango shop." 

Obito smiled underneath his mask. Did Deidara think he could catch a glimpse by having him eat? 

Tobi gasped, shocked. "Deidara-senpai! Are you going to spend your lunch eating with Tobi?! Uwahh, what an honour! Senpai never eats with Tobi!" 

"Yeah, yeah. It'll be my treat. Let's go." With that, the artist turned around, and began to walk away. His partner quickly scurried after him, bringing his flowers. 

While walking towards the shop, Deidara could see Tobi quietly making his flower crown as they were walking. He ignored it, at first, but he could always see him out of the corner of his eyes, weaving away. There was always motion, and it quickly started to irritate him. His eye kept twitching, as he was trying to remain composed. 

"So... Tobi," Deidara started, trying to get his mind off of it. "Where are you from?" 

"Nowhere." The addressed man lied. 

"Okay then..." Deidara trailed off. That had to be a lie, but he wouldn't push it. "Why do you wear your mask so much?" 

"Because Tobi loves his mask." Came the short reply. 

Why the hell were you partnered with me? Deidara wanted to ask. Instead, he asked, "Why did you join the Akatsuki, hm?" 

Tobi stayed quiet for a few seconds, before answering, "I don't know. Because Tobi wanted to!" 

"Why won't you take off your mask? You don't even do that while eating, hm. Do you even eat?" 

These questions are getting too personal. If I let him continue I might accidentally let out too much. Obito thought. Luckily, he had finished his flower crown by then. 

"Look, look, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi exclaimed, holding his flower crown in front of him, avoiding the question. 

With a slight turn of his head, Deidara could see the brightly coloured circle of flowers being grasped gently by gloved hands. The flowers were so bright and beautiful, radiating some sort of warmth, various shades of blue being seen. "That's a nice flower crown, hm." he complimented him. 

"Aw, shucks! Deidara-senpai, you're so kind! Kinder than usual, that is!" 

"Don't test my kindness, Tobi." 

"Fine, fine."

They walked a few more steps ahead, when Deidara felt something being placed on his head. His eyes widened, and he immediately turned around to see his partner, hands gently lowering the flower crown onto his head. 

"Tobi, what're you doing, un?" The blond asked him, a hint of surprise and annoyance in his voice.

"Putting this flower crown on your head! I made it especially for you. I thought blue flowers would match your eyes." He answered cheerfully. 

Deidara gave a small "Tch", But still decided to at least add, "Thanks, yeah." 

"Eh? Deidara-senpai, you're acting weird today. Are you okay?" Normally, Deidara would try to blow him up, or at least say something mean.

"Of course I am, idiot. What's so surprising about me being nice?" Deidara told him irritably. He then came to a halt when he saw the dango shop a few meters away. "We're here, hm." 

Deidara ordered two dangos for the both of them, and once they had arrived, he sat down with Tobi, giving him one of them.

They weren't you regular, sweet, brightly coloured dangos. They were steamy and warm, with brown undertones and sauce on top. 

The artist quietly observed Tobi as soon as he gave him his food. He wouldn't eat anywhere else now, and he couldn't go anywhere. Tobi's gloved hands reached his mask, slowly lifting up the mask. A single piece of sweat traveled down Deidara's forehead, as his aquatic eyes locked onto the ravenette's mask. Tobi's hands went up further, and all Deidara could see so far was black. Deidara's eyes narrowed. 

Then, with a swift move, Tobi turned around and fully lifted up his mask. 

"Man, this tastes so good!" He exclaimed, with his mouth clearly stuffed. "The sauce tastes really good. It's not sweet nor salty. This is a masterpiece! Yum!" 

Deidara quickly tried to lean over to see if he could catch a glimpse, but it was already too late. Tobi put the mask down and turned around - holding the dango stick - to see Deidara leaned over, facing his lower body. His gaze slowly locked onto Tobi's. 

"S-senpai, what were you looking at?! You pervert!" 

"Shut up! I wasn't looking at anything weird! Don't get any ideas, hm!" Deidara's cheeks went red in anger and embarrassment. "Besides, you're wearing a goddamn cloak. I'm sure there's nothing to see, yeah." He scowled as he realized he missed the opportunity to look at Tobi's face. 

Whatever, they had the whole day. 

They quickly left, walking together once more in the forest's trails. Deidara walked ahead, while Tobi stayed behind, looking at random things ever so often. He commented about the butterflies, the bugs, the trees, the grass... everything. And it irritated Deidara. A  _lot_. 

"Ne, senpai. How do you make art?" The masked man asked him.

"Isn't that obvious? I use clay to make my art, hm." The bomber replied. 

"Oh, yeah! Art is an explosion!" 

"That's my line, Tobi. You need to have your own catchphrase, un." 

"Hmm... what should Tobi's catchphrase be? What do you think, Deidara-senpai?"

"I don't know, Tobi. It's your catchphrase, so  _you_  should make it up." 

The man with the orange mask put his fingers underneath his chin and tipped it downwards, as if deep in thought. Deidara relished in the quiet. It was so rare for him these days. 

They were shrouded in silence once more, but this time, there was neither tension nor awkwardness. 

Deidara looked forward, thinking about what he should do to try to unmask Tobi. Maybe he could try sneaking up on him? He glanced at his partner, who was behind him, still looking lost in thought. It was rather odd to see Tobi so quiet. He put his gaze elsewhere, landing on Tobi's eye-hole.

Deidara frowned, staring at the black void that filled it. Could he just ask him? Or was that a bad idea? But how would that be a bad idea? The man probably wouldn't even bother with the question. But then again, Tobi was quite cautious of his mask - or rather, his face. Why did he hide it? Was there even a reason to? Of course there was, because if there weren't, it was guaranteed that he would've already seen Tobi's face. Deidara stared at the ground. Maybe there was something Tobi didn't want to share? What if his face was hideous, and the man was just shy? Hideous or not, that still doesn't explain that much. But then again, what if Tobi was actually really smart and got suspicious of Deidara's plans? And - god forbid - if he failed, the others would have an even harder time, which didn't benefit anyone. 

He turned around to look at Tobi once more. The said man noticed, and they locked eyes. "Hey, Deidara-senpai! Did you know we have ten fingers?! I never realized that!" The ravenette said, which broke the silence. 

Okay, Deidara regretted thinking that Tobi was smart. 

Maybe he really could just ask him. 

"Oi, Tobi, un," The blond said, getting the masked man's attention. 

"What is it, senpai?" He replied.

Deidara opened his mouth, about to ask, but then hesitated. Why the hell was he hesitating? There was nothing to lose here. 

"I - never mind. I forgot what I was going to say, hm." He said, his mouth betraying his mind. He turned away from Tobi's gaze, looking ahead.

Goddamn it. 

There was quiet, once more. 

Obito wondered what the bomber was going to say. He could clearly see the amount of hesitation in his face and voice. It was as if he was going to ask him something important. He merely shrugged it off and continued walking with Deidara, knowing he had to make some kind of noise, as it was unnatural for "Tobi" to be so quiet. 

"Uwahh! S-senpai! There's something scary on the ground!" Tobi shrieked, breaking the silence again. He came to a screeching halt.

"What is it?" The artist asked, his eyebrows cocking downwards as he turned to face Tobi. 

"Th-there!" The ravenette sputtered. He pointed a finger to the ground. 

Deidara looked to where Tobi was pointing and squinted his eyes. "Idiot. There's nothing there, hm." 

"There was a bug there, senpai!" Tobi complained, "Bugs are scary!" 

"Tch, what are you, a child?" 

"Hmph, you're so mean!"

"I'm only stating the facts." 

Tobi crossed his arms and pouted, although he knew Deidara couldn't see it.

"Oh, no! Senpai!" The man suddenly cried. Where did your flower crown go?? Did you lose it?"  

"I threw it away while you weren't looking, hm." 

"Nooo!" Tobi sobbed, "Deidara-senpai, I can't believe you!" 

"It would've wilted anyways, yeah." 

Tobi sniffed. "Tobi worked so hard on it..." 

Deidara's cheeks flared with red. "Fine, fine! It's right here, hm!" He reached underneath his cloak to reveal the beautifully weaved flower crown. 

"Aw, senpai! You kept it? You're so sweet!" Tobi said, his tone indicating that he was crying from joy. 

"Shut up, Tobi, it doesn't mean anything. I knew you would notice later on and would complain about it for ages, yeah. So I kept it." The artist said in a matter-of-factly tone.

"I'm sure that wasn't the only reason~!" His partner said in a sing-song voice, putting two fingers in the air and swaying them to his tune.

Deidara, too flustered to say anything, crossed his arms and let out a small "Hmph". 

"Now you're being the childish one, senpai!" Tobi said cheekily. 

"Piece of shit..." Deidara muttered under his breath. 

Tobi pretended not to hear it. 

* * *

It was evening. 

Deidara and Tobi were bound to go back to the Akatsuki base soon, but before that, Deidara told Tobi to follow him somewhere first. 

"Senpai, where are we headed?" The masked man asked, curious. 

"Just be quiet, hm. You'll see." The blond replied. 

Soon enough, they had reached a fairly secluded area, surrounded with trees. It was a circular shape, with the path connecting to it from the bottom. Deidara smirked. He had planned to come here with Tobi earlier, as he had buried some land mines in this area. He planned on hopping onto his clay bird and watching from above, as Tobi got caught in the smoke. Then, he would swoop down and grab his mask. He placed his land mines in specific areas so that the smoke wouldn't cover the trees; it would only cover the ground area. This way, if Tobi ever found a way to hop into the trees, Deidara would be able to catch it, though he doubted it. The man would probably just get confused in all the smoke. 

He never thought he would have to use this plan, but he'll use it anyways. Good thing he prepared himself earlier. Before he thought that planning beforehand for someone like Tobi was a ridiculous idea, but now, the blond bomber was grateful. 

"Tobi, stand in the middle of the circle, hm." Deidara grinned, "We're going to play a fun little game." 

"Oo! Tobi loves games!" His partner exclaimed, and he gladly followed his orders.

Once he was in the middle of the area, Deidara made a clay bird and hopped onto it. The bird elevated into the air, about ten meters off the ground. 

"Senpai! How do we play?" He yelled loudly, hoping Deidara could hear him.

"Just wait, Tobi! I'll show you soon, yeah!" The artist said, the grin still remnant on his face.

"Okay!" 

 _I wonder what he's going to do,_  Obito thought. 

Deidara's grin spread, as he put his hands together and yelled, "Katsu!" 

Several explosions went off at once, covering the entire area. Only the surrounding trees were visible. He made sure not to place any bombs too near the middle, but close enough to cover it with dust. He didn't want to kill Tobi. 

"Ahh!" Tobi's scream could be heard from miles away. 

Deidara quickly scanned the trees the split second the explosions went off. No sign of Tobi. 

Satisfied with how well the plan was going, he swooped down with his bird in triumph, and made sure to hop off at a safe height so that his clay bird wouldn't swoop any of the smoke away. He landed right behind Tobi. 

Obito could hear the presence of someone behind him, so he immediately looked around. 

Too late, Deidara was reaching for the mask. A millimeter away from grabbing it, Obito quickly made himself intangible. Deidara's eyes widened as his hand phased right through Tobi. 

The smoke had cleared away, and all that was left were two Akatsuki members; One reaching to grab a swirly, orange mask, his hand going through his head, the other staring in bewilderment. 

They stood there, not a muscle moving moving from either of them. They stood there for a good four minutes, staring at each other. 

Obito could notice that he was starting to struggle; with both his state of intangibility and the stiff position he was in. In a minute, he would have to stop. He didn't want Deidara's hand to be cut off - _again._ Not that he really cared, but he would have to do some serious explaining afterwards. His partner finding out about his abilities was bad enough, but if he figured out he had some sort of time limit, his mask would be off sooner that he'd like. 

That was when Tobi's shrilly voice broke the silence. "S-senpai... move your... hand..." 

The arsonist stood frozen, still not moving, his mind numb with a faint ringing in his ears. He couldn't hear Tobi. He couldn't move. He couldn't process what just happened. 

He only had a few more seconds. He could only remain intangible for five minutes, after all.  " _Deidara,_ " Tobi warned, his voice slipping and cracking, barely almost revealing his true self. "-senpai." He quickly added. 

That made Deidara snap back into reality. He hastily pulled his arm away, feeling strange. 

"S-sorry, hm." He muttered, "I just... got carried away." 

Deidara stared at the ground, shaken. He was panting and sweating.

"It's okay, senpai," Tobi said, waving his hand and posing in a girlish way. "I know you're just desperate." 

Deidara gave him a dangerous glare, and Tobi let out a little "Eep!" 

"C'mon, Tobi. We best be returning by now, hm." 

"Okay, senpai!" Tobi agreed cheerfully. "But Deidara-senpai -."

Deidara turned to look at him, and shivers went up his spine as he noticed a demeaning, or almost threatening aura radiating his partner as his eyes locked onto the mysterious black void which was Tobi's eye-hole.

"- please don't do that again, okay?" 

"O-of course, hm." Deidara said hastily, unsettled.

The atmosphere went back to normal, as Tobi said, "Yay! You're such a good friend, senpai!" 

On the walk back to the Akatsuki base, Deidara's mind was elsewhere, still completely weirded out by the earlier events, ignoring his partner while they made their way back to the Akatsuki base.

* * *

As soon as Tobi was alone, he slumped against the nearest tree, breathing heavily. 

 _Dammit... that was too close._  He thought. Obito was  _so close_  to messing up. Good thing he had good reflexes.

He couldn't believe he had set his guard down, even with full knowledge of what the others were planning. He punched the tree he was leaning on, still breathing heavy and looking at the ground. His eyes narrowed.

Whoever was next, he wouldn't put his guard down. 

* * *

"So, Deidara," Kisame said, "How did it go?" 

"It went... _okay_ , hm." He replied, his tone clearly showing that he was distracted by something. 

"Did you fail?" Hidan asked smugly. 

Deidara didn't answer.

"Oi, I  _said_ , did you fail?"

Still no answer came from the blond.

"Hey! Answer me, you bastard!" 

Deidara's pupil's dilated as he came back to Earth. "Huh? What'd you say? Sorry, I wasn't listening, hm..." He trailed off, his eyes wandering around.

The Jashinist's eyebrows cocked downwards in frustration. "Are you okay? You're spacing out. It's fucking creepy." 

"Sorry, I'm just... thinking." 

"I assume you have failed, Deidara." Itachi said flatly. 

Itachi's deep voice made Deidara twitch. He glanced at him, his aquatic eyes being met with blood red ones. "So what if I did, yeah?"

"So you did fail! Ha!" Hidan exclaimed triumphantly. 

"Deidara, did you at least find something about him? Any information?" The shark-like man asked him.

All Deidara could reply with was with the truth. "Tobi is...  _scary_." 

The rest of the Akatsuki gaped at him.  _Tobi_  was  _scary?_  The guy who radiated with the 'cupcakes and rainbows' vibe?

"I call bullshit," Hidan said immediately.

"That's not very believable." Kakuzu followed after. 

"Did he drug you our something Deidara? Did he mess with your brain?" Kisame asked him. 

Itachi said nothing, and looked at the ground. 

"I don't care if you believe me or not," Deidara uttered, fists clenched. "But something about him is just so... unsettling. You'll feel it when it's your turn, probably, hm." 

"What are you, a wuss?" The silver-haired man teased. 

"Shut the hell up, Hidan." The bomber retorted. 

"Is that all, Deidara?" Kisame asked, sort of intrigued. "Anything else you found out to help us?" 

"Well, there's one more thing." Deidara said, locking eyes with him. "You can phase through him. I tried reaching for his mask, but my hand went straight through his head, un. It sort of reminded me of that Hidden Leaf nin's ability... what was his name? Oh yeah, Kakashi Hatake's. I still can't believe Tobi has an ability like that." 

Itachi's gaze latched onto Deidara when he heard the name, "Kakashi Hatake".

"I think... he got  _angry_  at me. I don't really remember it, since I was blanking out. But his voice seemed kind of... different, you could say?"

"In what way?" The blue man asked. 

"It was like he was going through puberty or some shit," The blonde's voice was low, tone uncertain. "His voice was cracking, as if he was struggling, yeah." 

"Why the  _fuck_  would Tobi go through  _puberty_?" Hidan sneered, folding his arms around his chest. "Isn't he like, thirteen, or something?" 

"Idiot. Do you really think he's thirteen? He's clearly in his twenties." 

"The hell? No fucking way. He's definitely -." 

"Will you two cut it out with your ridiculous conversations?" Kakuzu scolded them, sighing and slightly depressed with how stupid they were. 

"Fine, sorry, hm." Deidara apologized. "As I was saying, Tobi's voice cracked a lot, as if he were struggling. I was wondering why." 

"Deidara," Itachi said, making Deidara turn to him, a familiar look of hatred in his eyes, "You said something about Tobi having a similar ability to Kakashi Hatake's?" 

"Yes, I did, hm," Deidara snapped, glaring at the Uchiha. "What of it?" 

"Describe it." 

"What?"

"I told you to describe it." 

 _Damn Uchihas, ordering people around just because they think they're so special,_  Deidara thought, cocking his eyebrows down. "Before my hands got severed, part of them entered some sort of portal that Hatake had made, hm. The world was folding on itself, sucking me into it, yeah. Their jutsu's are barely the same, yet something about phasing through Tobi triggers a thought about Hatake in my head. I don't exactly know why." 

Itachi was silent, his Sharingan burning through Deidara's skull.  _Kami, what an eyesore,_  Deidara thought, disgusted. 

It was went quiet. Everyone thought about this new information.

"Well, you tried your best, at least." Kisame said, breaking the silence. 

"But you failed," Hidan added, making sure to remind the artist as much as he could. 

"Will you shut up, you bastard!? I get it, okay? I'll blow you up if you say that again, hm!" Deidara yelled, putting a clenched hand in the air, as if to threat the Jashinist.

Hidan made a smug face. "'But you'll fail doing so." 

The arsonist yanked Hidan's headband harshly, which was placed around his neck, and brought his face close to his own. "You..!" 

"Hey, hey, calm down." Kisame said, breaking the two before Deidara blew the Akatsuki base up. "Let's just discuss who'll go next." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: Hey! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Please remember to review. I'll post the next chapter next Friday! Hidan will go next ;)
> 
> As I said before, this fanfic is merely for jokes, yet I want it to be serious at times. There's going to be some crack, hence the "puberty" conversation. 
> 
> I'm sorry the end was a bit rushed, and I'm sorry for any typos. I wrote this in the middle of the night and I was tired T^T Again, sorry if any of the characters are OOC. I have trouble writing the Akatsuki sometimes TvT)


	3. Chapter Three: Hidan

"Okay, fine, hm," Deidara said, closing his eyes and folding his arms neatly over his chest. He smirked as he turned his head to look at Hidan, aquatic irises meeting magenta. The Jashinist raised his brow. "What the hell are you smirking at me for?" He said, bothered.

"I think," Deidara said, his smirk getting wider, "You should go next, hm."

The arsonist expected the silver-haired man to whine or complain, yell about he doesn't want to go next. Instead, Hidan laughed, clutching his scythe.

"Fuck yeah!" He yelled, "I'll gladly go next!"

Deidara frowned, slightly annoyed now. "Why are you so eager to go, yeah? Aren't you irritated?"

"I'm going to bust his ass," Hidan said, confident. "I bet I can do a way better job than you ever could."

"That's not true, hm. Just wait until you experience it."

"I knew it, you are a fucking wuss!”

While Hidan and Deidara bickered, Kisame went up to Kakuzu, who – not surprisingly – was still counting his money. The bounty hunter looked up, locking eyes with the blue man. "What do you want?" He rasped idly.

Kisame grinned. "Want to make a bet?"

Kakuzu didn't display any sign of emotion, but Kisame knew that he was already deeply considering it. If it involved money, Kakuzu would be sold in seconds. "How much?" Was the first thing he asked.

"Twenty." Kisame answered, not missing a beat.

"What's the bet for?"

"For Hidan."

Kakuzu shook his head. "There's no point. If you're going to bet that Hidan will fail, then you've already earned the twenty ryo."

The Jashinist – who was still bickering with Deidara over him being a wuss – turned his head and screeched, "Fucking old man! I'm not going to fail, I have Lord Jashin by my side!"

The man with the charcoal hair, making no sign of hearing his partner, continued, "I'm not earning any money from a brat like that."

"Kakuzu!” The Jashinist yelled, waving a fist in the air while punching Deidara in the arm. “I'm telling you, I won't fail!"

"How can you be so sure of that, hm?!" Deidara cut him off, getting back the Jashinist's attention.

"Because I'll have Lord Jashin with me!"

The blond rolled his eyes. He had always found Hidan's religion annoying. He shook his head tiredly, knowing that they were getting nowhere with this conversation. "Hidan, do you even have a plan?"

"What the hell do I need a plan for? I'll just go right in and take off his mask, easy!" The silver-haired man hooted.

"You're an idiot." Kakuzu said, "You won't get anywhere without a plan."

"Fuck off, Kakuzu! Let me do what I want." Hidan retorted. "Besides, why the hell would I need one of those? Tobi is a fucking moron. He probably won't even notice."

Deidara sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but the half-witted bastard you're talking about is actually harder to crack than you think."

"Ha!" Hidan roared. "Just you wait. I'll sacrifice him! Jashin will be there to watch over me."

"Will you cut it out with the religious bullshit?"

"Do you want to fucking go? Jashin is not bullshit!"

"Shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu scolded him.

"Kakuzu!" The Jashinist screeched, his tone getting louder and louder, "He just insulted Jashin! Do you expect me to take that lightheartedly?!" His charcoal-haired partner gave him a menacing glare, earning a defeated "Fine, fine." from his partner.

"Wait, did you say you were planning on sacrificing him?" Deidara just realized. The Jashinist gave him a smirk. "Hell yeah I did!" He responded.

"Stupid," Deidara said, crossing his arms. "The plan was to unmask Tobi - that's it, nothing more. Besides, hm, if you were to sacrifice him, you'd just phase right through him."

"So? I kill in the Way of Jashin, and I'll continue to sacrifice people for him. He’s always watching over me, granting my prayers, doing everything he can. I'll forevermore continue to -"

"Hidan," Kisame said, slightly irritated, "We don't need to repeatedly hear your religious babbling about your god. We're all tired. Let's all just go and rest for now, wake up tomorrow, and continue with our mission. Okay?"

Everyone but the said man nodded. People just wanted to sleep.

"Wait a fucking second," The magenta-eyed immortal said, gaining some of their attention. "Why the hell are we doing it tomorrow? Why not tonight? I was all fuckin' hyped and shit, and this is what you tell me?"

"Give Tobi a break, he probably got blown up by Deidara." The blue man said.

"Or he could've raped him," Hidan muttered under his breath. The blond arsonist gave him a dangerous glare and scowled.

"It's not like that, hm! I thought out an effective plan. I was smart," – he eyed a certain silver-haired man – "Unlike some people."

"What's that supposed to mean?!

"Hidan, shut up," Kakuzu said once again, this time eyeing the arsonist as well. "No one has time for your incredibly annoying bickering."

Both Hidan and Deidara childishly looked away, crossing their arms and letting out a "Tch." Itachi, who hadn't said anything the entire time, walked out of the Akatsuki hideout quietly. Soon after, Kisame left, too. Followed by Kakuzu, then by Hidan and Deidara.

* * *

 

The next morning, Hidan made it to the base super early, excited to sacrifice - er - _try_ at Tobi's mask. It sort of shocked the others that he was that invested with this mission. Hell, even Kakuzu was sort of surprised, which was rare.

"So, Hidan, you ready?" Kisame asked him, although he already knew the answer, as it was prominent on Hidan's face.

"Fuck yeah, I'm going to sacri – uh – unmask him, I guarantee it!” He turned to look at the blond bomber, “Just you watch and see how the fucking pro does it, Deidara-chan."

The said arsonist simply rolled his eyes, hoping with all his heart that Hidan would fail, so that he could tease him later. But at the same time, he also wanted Hidan to succeed, so that this entire mission would end, and he would be filled with satisfaction. But if he failed, he would be fine with it. It’s an obvious outcome, anyways, from someone like Hidan. If he actually takes off Tobi’s mask - Deidara will freak.

"Okay, okay, we get it, yeah.” The blond arsonist said. “Good luck, Hidan, because you’ll definitely need it.”

“The fuck is that supposed to -.” The Jashinist tried to start, but got cut off by Deidara.

“It means good luck, dumbass, hm. Don't make me say it twice, it was hard enough to say it the first time.”

“Kakuzu,” Kisame said, letting the said man turn to face him. “I have another bet. If Hidan comes back before this evening, I’ll give you twenty ryo. If he doesn’t, the twenty ryo is mine.”

Kakuzu grunted in acceptance, nodding his head slightly. The blue man grinned as his response.

“So it’s settled then?” He said.

”Yes.” The bounty-hunter answered blatantly. He turned around to glare at Hidan, signaling that he better come back before the sun set, but the Jashinist was nowhere to be seen. He looked at Deidara, as if asking where he was.

"He left while you guys were talking about your bet, yeah," He replied idly. "He's gone."

Kakuzu looked at the ground. That son of a bitch better be back before evening, or else he'd murder someone tonight.

* * *

 

Hidan looked around, hoping to find the masked man. He couldn't be anywhere that far from the base, could he? He scavenged around the Akatsuki hideout, but couldn't find him anywhere. He tried looking in the forest nearby, but still couldn't find Tobi.

"Where the fuck is he?" Hidan muttered. This was annoying. This was a mission, not a search party. He sat down on the ground, deciding to pray for a while.

"Lord Jashin... watch over me while I do a mission. Help me find that fucking dumbass, too." He murmured, holding his pendant to his lips. He mumbled a few more words under his breath.

Obito knew the immortal had been looking for him. In fact, the entire time Hidan was looking for him, Tobi had been watching him. Not as effectively as Zetsu could, but good enough. Hidan better be worth his time. The masked man thought this game was fun, but last time, Deidara almost grabbed his mask. He promised he wouldn't lower his guard this next time, so here he was. Watching the Jashinist pray, Obito let a sigh escape his lips. Time to put up the act once more.

He quietly activated kamui to teleport behind Hidan. To his surprise, the silver-haired man didn't notice him, too caught up in his praying. Obito frowned. That wasn't good for a shinobi, especially for a member of the Akatsuki. Nevertheless, he ignored it.

He put his hands on Hidan's shoulders and yelled, "Boo!"

The immortal flinched. “Shit!” He cursed loudly, scared out of his wits. He turned around to be met with a swirly orange mask, inches away from his face.

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

“I’m scaring you!” Tobi said.

“No shit, you scared the fucking _hell_ out of me!”

“Sorry, Mr. Hidan!” The ravenette shook his arms vigorously in the air, as if scared the Jashinist would hurt him. “Tobi didn’t mean to make you mad!”

Hidan scowled. At least I found him, he thought.

He shook off his anger, saying, “So, Tobi, I was thinking we could, uh...” The silver-haired man trailed off, not really knowing what to say. He kept fumbling, trying to look for words.

Looks like he isn’t prepared, Obito thought, slightly amused.

“Would Mr. Hidan like to hang out with Tobi?” He offered. Hidan perked up, relieved that Tobi suggested something.

”Hell yeah!” He said, giving a grin that was both forced yet somewhat genuine at the same time. “What would you like to do?”

Tobi put a finger on his chin. “Tobi would like to... to make a bracelet.”

Hidan frowned. Bracelets? He had hoped that Tobi would suggest something more gruesome - although he knew that a man-child like him wouldn’t say that. If he did what Tobi asked, maybe he would let Hidan see what was under his mask...?

Yeah, he was a genius. **(No, Hidan, you’re not.)**

”Sure. Bracelets are fucking awesome.” He said, grinning, although his tone suggested otherwise. It sounded incredibly forced.

”Yay! Mr. Hidan, you’re awesome!” The ravenette exclaimed.

The Jashinist smirked. “I know I am.” He stared at Tobi’s eye-hole. “So, how are we making the bracelets?”

“I don’t know!” He said happily, putting two hands in the air. Hidan twitched. He couldn’t believe this guy. How did he manage to make it into the Akatsuki?

“Oh! Tobi knows now!” He said in the same energetic tone. “We’ll use the grass!”

The grass? _What?_ How??

“Or we could use flowers.” The masked man added.

”I don’t give a shit about what we use,” Hidan said, although he thought making a bracelet out of human remains was cooler. Maybe a Jashin bracelet would be cool, too. Wait, was Hidan actually considering making a bracelet? Fuck, Tobi was rubbing off of him, wasn't he?

”Since Tobi used flowers with Deidara-senpai last time, I’ll use flowers with you, too!” He put his hands together cheerfully.

Hidan snorted. “You used flowers with Deidara?”

“Well, it was more like Tobi made a flower crown for him.”

“Really? I bet he looked fucking ridiculous.”

“Well, he sort of did,” Tobi admitted blatantly. Hidan let out another snort, trying to contain his laughter at the thought of Deidara in a flower crown. Tobi continued, “But Tobi thinks senpai makes a wonderful girl!”

The Jashinist burst out laughing. And just when he thought it couldn’t get anymore better, Tobi added, “He even kept it! I was so honoured.”

Hidan doubled over, holding his stomach in his hands from laughter. The thought of Deidara wearing a flower crown already got him, but the thought of him keeping it? That was incredibly ridiculous. Who would keep something like that?

“That’s fucking hilarious!” Hidan hooted, wiping a tear. He gave Tobi a hard pat on the back. The ravenette winced - that would surely leave a bruise.

Tobi crouched down, picking up a few magneta flowers. There were also various hues of purple. “Mr. Hidan! Why don’t you pick some flowers for your bracelet?”

The said man then remembered that all they were doing was making bracelets. He sighed.

“Fine,” He answered, leaning down. He ripped some nearby flowers harshly, resulting in all the flowers being in uneven lengths and crooked. Some even lost a few petals.

”Mr. Hidan!” Tobi cried, “Be careful with the flowers!”

“Why? They’re fucking flowers. It’s not like they’re important.”

”You can’t hurt the flowers!”

“What are they, living creatures?”

“They have lives!”

“I don’t give a shit.”

It went quiet. Tobi carefully started to weave a bracelet, his hands moving swiftly as he knotted and tied each flower together. Hidan, on the other hand, was struggling to a great extent. His bracelet was all ripped and messy, the flowers all dull and wilted from his rough hands.

Losing all patience, Hidan threw the bracelet on the ground. He waited for Tobi to finish his. While the masked man worked on his creation, he hummed, making the immortal even more irritated.

At first, Hidan’s fingers kept tapping on his knee. Then, his started to tap one of his feet. His eye constantly twitched, trying to stay composed.

All of a sudden, he got up and yelled, “This is fucking boring!”

Tobi mirrored his actions and got up as well, a completed flower bracelet in his hands. “What would you like to do then, Mr. Hidan?”

”I want to sacrifice someone! Anyone would do, as long as I kill for Jashin,” He said, pulling out his scythe. He eyed Tobi.

The ravenette took the hint, screaming, “No!” He dragged on the vowel as he began bolting. “Don’t kill Tobi, Tobi is a good boy!”

“C’mere, Tobi, I’m sure Lord Jashin will love you!” Hidan yelled, chasing after Tobi.

”Uwahh!” Tobi dragged the ‘a’, running as fast as his feet could take him.

Sooner or later, Hidan stopped, too tired to keep running. Tobi was probably miles away from him by now. Weirdly enough, Tobi didn’t show any signs of fatigue or slowing down. The silver-haired immortal was panting, his stamina running low. He wondered how Tobi could run that fast and for that long. Hell, he was probably still running.

A strange thought crossed his mind. Hidan considered himself quite fit - he had a well-built body. He had a ton of stamina, yet, he couldn't outrun Tobi, and neither could he catch up to him. Hidan's eyebrows cocked downwards. Does that mean Tobi has as much stamina as he did? But the ravenette outran him, so that means Tobi has much more. Wait, what? A guy like that could have more stamina than him? So that means Tobi could be as equally fit. But that's impossible! When and how could Tobi have gained all of that? He never did anything, not even fight – or, well, that's what he gets from Deidara.

The Jashinist shook his head. These thoughts were weird. Plus, there was no way that could be true. Oh, shit, is he actually thinking?! He's getting way too into this.

...

The truth is, Tobi never outran Hidan, though he could have if he wanted to. Obito watched Hidan from a tree. Once he started running, he made sure the immortal couldn't see him anymore. From there, he stayed hidden in the trees, running alongside the man until he stopped. Hidan had a lot of stamina, and he could run fairly fast, so he had to be quick with his actions.

He hopped onto a tree branch when he knew Hidan would stop soon - it was clear that he would. His breathing got heavier, and his started to sweat more. He stopped right where Obito predicted he would. He stayed quiet for a while – Obito took it as him trying to catch his breath.

"Fuck..." He heard the Jashinist mutter, putting his hands on his knees and bending his head down. "Where the fuck did that bastard go?"

Obito activated kamui, appearing behind Hidan. "Boo!" He yelled, in the same tone he used to scare him earlier. Hidan jumped.

"Will you stop fucking scaring me?!" The immortal screamed, his voice cracking. Tobi giggled - a part of it was part of the act, yet some of it was real. Yes, Obito could genuinely giggle. Don't ask.

"Where the hell did you even come from?!"

"That's a secret~!" Tobi sing-songed, waving two fingers to his tune.

Another scowl escaped Hidan’s lips. It was just like the first time! How was Tobi doing this? How was it possible that Hidan never sensed Tobi's presence? It was like he was appearing out of thin air. It was like... what was that word again?

Teleportation?

"Fucking ridiculous," Hidan said out loud, a distorted grin on his face. Tobi looked at him weirdly, and the Jashinist had just realized he had subconsciously spoken.

"Mr. Hidan? Are you okay?" The ravenette asked him, concern laced in his tone. Said man gave a subtle wave, saying, "Yeah, just thought of something funny."

The Jashinist chuckled after what he said. Tobi having _teleportation_? That's probably one of the most ludicrous things he had ever thought of. He didn't even believe Deidara when he said you could phase through him. Wait, now that he thought about it, was that even true? It couldn't be, could it? But earlier, Hidan gave him a pat on the back, and he could feel Tobi being physically there.

Wait. If you can phase through someone, can you still touch them?

Wait, huh?

Wait...

...What was he thinking of again?

Hidan shook his head. Whatever, it's not like whatever he thought of – before he forgot about it – was important.

"What were you thinking of, Mr. Hidan?" The man with the swirly, orange mask asked him curiously.

"I had the strangest fucking thought – that you could teleport," The Jashinist snorted at his own words, not noticing the other man twitch.

Tobi gave out a nervous laugh. "Haha, funny how the imagination works, right? Tobi thinks that's hilarious!" Hidan grinned, and started to walk. "C'mon, Tobi," He said, gesturing the man to follow him. "Let's go have some fucking fun!"

"Okay!" Tobi said cheerfully, skipping towards the immortal.

* * *

 

It was noon.

Hidan and Tobi were currently spying on a little camp out in the forest. The Jashinist decided that he wanted to sacrifice someone today, and if he couldn't sacrifice Tobi, he'd find someone else to sacrifice. So, after searching for a bit, they had finally found someone. They hid in nearby bushes, peeking ever so often.

"Oi, Tobi," Hidan whispered. "Try to go around... I wanna see how many people there are."

"Okay, Mr. Hidan!" Tobi whispered back. The masked man then traveled from bush to bush, loud ruffles coming from his movements. The camper turned in Tobi's direction, where he was currently hiding behind a bush. Hidan mentally cringed. To his dismay, the camper – a brunette – decided to walk towards the bush.

"Hello? Is someone there?" The brunette said, her voice being soft and sweet. Tobi popped out of the bush, making her jump.

"Hi!" He said cheerfully, waving. "My name is Tobi, and I'm a good boy!"

She – not surprisingly – shrieked. Hidan knew he had to kill her now. If he didn't it might attract other people and cause a commotion. He jumped out of his bush and hooted, a gigantic grin on his face. "Lord Jashin will love you!" He said before rapidly swinging his scythe toward her. The brunette jumped back onto a tree branch, but Hidan had already cut a part of her elbow with his weapon.

"Are you a shinobi?" He said, pointing his scythe at her. She didn't say anything, merely furrowing her brows. "Guess you're not one to talk, huh? That's fine, but you've just missed your fucking chance to say some last words, bitch."

Stabbing his hand, and letting the blood drip onto the ground, Hidan drew the symbol of Jashin onto the ground – a circle with a single triangle inside. He took his weapon and licked the top of his scythe, where the girl's blood had been. His appearance then turned to that of a Grim-Reaper – black, with some white lines on his chest, some of his face containing white, too.

The girl had a horrified expression on her face. The Jashinist gave out a maniacal laugh, his pupils contracting. "Die...!" He yelled deliriously, as he stabbed himself right in the chest.

The girl's face contorted into that of being pained, clutching her chest. A few seconds later, she dropped onto the ground, dead. Hidan's skin went back to normal, a smile on his face. "Lord Jashin!" He yelled, tilting his head back and smiling. "Did you see that?"

He heard a ruffle of leaves from nearby. He turned his head, seeing Tobi, still in his bush. "M-Mr. Hidan... you're scary!" He cried.

Hidan's eyes widened as he realized something. What if... what if he performed his ritual on Tobi? And while Tobi agonized in pain, he could take off his mask! The immortal grinned, proud of himself. God, he was a genius.

Oh, shit, he had forgotten that you could phase through Tobi. Well, at least this would prove if you could always phase through him.

...Right?

At least he had an excuse.

"Tobi! Wasn't I cool? That bitch didn't stand a chance." He said, grinning cockily.

"You were amazing, Mr. Hidan!" Tobi said. He added, "But you're also very creepy. You make very disturbing faces sometimes."

"So? Everyone makes disturbing faces. I'm sure you've done that too, bastard."

Obito had. Although his facial expressions were mostly laced with hate these days, there was a time he had other emotions too. There was this one time he made a weird face. It was that time he kissed that picture of... Rin...

The Uchiha shook his head. Just the thought of Rin pained him. A picture of her smiling face flashed in his mind. Oh, how he missed her.

"I'm always watching you..." Tobi murmured quietly. That was a line she had always told to his younger self - a naive boy with too many fantasies of becoming Hokage in his head. He was no longer what he once was.

"Now you're being the creepy one," Hidan said, weirded out by what Tobi murmured. The masked man scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Ahah, you heard that? Sorry about that, Tobi was just trying to see what it was like to act creepy.”

”Well, I mean, you succeeded in doing so,” The Jashinist said, putting two hands on the back of his head and closing his eyes. “Is your ‘senpai’ rubbing off of you? He was spacing out and being fucking creepy yesterday, too.”

Ah, shit. Deidara must’ve realized something, Obito thought.

“Hey, hey, Tobi,” Hidan said, “Wanna play a game I have?”

As soon as Hidan said the word ‘game’, he had made himself intangible. Another game? Obito thought. Deidara already played a ‘game’ with him yesterday. Was this a new trend now? Was this supposed to be a signal that Hidan would attack him soon?

Nevertheless, Tobi answered with a cheerful, “Sure! Tobi loves to play games!”

“Fuck yeah,” Hidan said. “The game is, uh... to close your eyes and count to ten.”

Yep, Hidan was probably going to swing his scythe at him. The Jashinist’s style was so predictable. Also, what was it with the games?

The immortal thought about Deidara's words yesterday. So you could phase through Tobi, but was he always like that? Or could he phase through things whenever he wanted to? He couldn’t always be like that. He had patted Tobi on the back earlier, and could feel him being physically there. Or was there, like, a time limit to it, at least? What kind of jutsu would let Tobi be like that?

Hidan decided that he wanted to experiment this. It wasn't like him to do this, or to think so much, but he desperately wanted to brag in Deidara's face after this. Plus – he admits – he wants to see Tobi's face.

He decided to make a bet with himself. He frowned when he realized that was what his partner would do. Whatever, he'd still do it anyways.

"Oi, Tobi, I heard you could phase through things." Hidan said, idly. He didn't really believe it, but he doesn't think Deidara is that messed up to make up something like that. Sure, it was the craziest thing he'd heard, but maybe – just maybe – it could be true.

Obito already knew the other man knew this - there was no way he could lie about it now. Tobi nodded vigorously. "Yes, Tobi can! Don't you think that's super cool?"

"Sure," Hidan said, intrigued. What he really wanted to do was stick his hand though him. He wanted to try it out. "Can I test it?" If Hidan could put his hand through Tobi, then that would mean he could make himself intangible whenever he wanted.

Obito made the mistake of nodding eagerly. The silver-haired man didn't miss a beat, harshly shoving his arm through Tobi – who was currently intangible. Obito shuddered at how rough it was. It felt weird.

"Cool!" Hidan practically yelled, almost resembling a little kid who had learned something new. He yanked his hand back out. So that meant Tobi could become like that anytime he wanted to, right? So that was two of his questions answered. What about time limits, then? Could Tobi have a time limit to that?

"Hey, hey, Tobi, can you stay like that all the time?"

"Stay like what, Mr. Hidan?"

"Like... intangible."

Yeah, Obito couldn't tell him that. No way.

"I dunno!" Tobi answered cheerfully.

Hidan pondered about this for a while. Time limits… time limits? That was stupid. But there would always be a catch to a jutsu like that, right? Or would there? Ugh, this was a waste of his time. He couldn’t even believe he was actually spending seconds of his life thinking about Tobi’s power. Tobi doesn’t have a power, right? All he has is intangibility, which barely does anything! Tobi had a good defense – so what? If Tobi had made himself intangible when Hidan put his hand through him that would mean that he wasn’t like that anymore, right?

He realized he had been quiet, lost in thought, when Tobi waved a hand in front of his face "Um, hello? Earth to Mr. Hidan! Why are you so quiet? That's so rare!"

The Jashinist smacked the hand Tobi was waving in front of his face. "I'm fine. Now, what're you fucking waiting for? Let's play this fucking game already!"

Tobi knew Hidan would try to attack him, right from the moment that Hidan said the word “play.” So, as soon as he said that, he made himself intangible, which was about three to four minutes ago. Ten seconds were nothing, so he had time. He smiled, before saying, “Okay! I’ll be closing my eyes... Right... Now!”

“Now count.” Hidan ordered, pulling out his scythe.

”One... two... three...”

Hidan clutched his scythe, and swung. Obito knew, as he could feel it going through him. He was glad he had made himself intangible.

The Jashinist blinked. Was he still intangible? He shook his head. He was probably just making himself that way for now.

”Four... five... six...”

Hidan was still swinging back and forth, his scythe going through Tobi horizontally.

“Seven... eight... nine...”

“You’re almost done, Tobi,” Hidan said. He didn’t stop swinging – Obito could feel the scythe going through him over and over again.

“What...?” Tobi said, his enthusiasm faltering.

The ravenette could hear the other man’s smirk. “Just keep fucking counting. You’re almost at ten.”

“Okay!” Tobi said happily, putting two hands together. “Ten!”

As soon as Tobi counted to ten, Hidan stopped. The masked man waited for a few seconds, before turning around and asking, “Was that the game, Mr. Hidan?”

“Yep. That was the funnest fucking thing ever, right? I’m the best at making games up!” He said, giving Tobi a pat on the back. “C’mon, let’s go back to the Akatsuki base.”

By now, Obito was no longer intangible. So he did that all for nothing? Hidan didn’t have a better plan? Shame.

The man with the swirly mask skipped in front of him, humming lightly. Hidan grinned. An element of surprise would surely get him.

He quietly pulled out his scythe – it was hard, but he managed – and steadily held it. He rapidly swung at Tobi in a vertical direction from behind. Obito tensed, sensing it.

 _Fuck, how was he able to know?_ Obito thought, gritting his teeth. The Uchiha tried to dodge the attack, but it was too late. The scythe had already glazed his shoulder.

Hidan mentally praised himself. "Lord Jashin, this is not a sacrifice, but watch over me as I complete this mission!" He stabbed his hand once more, same hand from earlier, and let the blood drip onto the ground. With his feet, he drew the symbol of Jashin once more. He licked the blood he had on his scythe, his skin turning back into black and white.

Obito noticed how much more disoriented and delirious Hidan looked. This guy was freaky. Panic quickly spread through Tobi's body. He knew he was trapped. Was this it for him?

He could activate Kamui - no, wait, he couldn't do that. Did he really wanna risk the others knowing that? They already knew enough - like his ability to become intangible. And from what he knew, Hidan might know something about his limit. If they found out he could teleport too, what else could they do? What other things might they realize? It wasn't worth the risk. Plus, he needed them to think of him of an idiot - a loud moron who didn't seem good at anything. And he needed it to stay like that.

Hidan stabbed himself in the stomach, causing Obito's face to contort in pain. He bent over, clutching his stomach, giving out a loud, "Itatataa... ow!" He was hurting more than a simple 'Ow', but managed to keep up the act. Meanwhile, Hidan's face contorted in pleasure. "It was nice knowing you, Tobi," He laughed maniacally. "But now it's time to see the real you!"

“Mr. Hidan.... I knew it! Mr. Hidan is very mean! Just like Deidara-senpai! All you want to know is what Tobi looks like!” The masked man screeched, his shrilly tone hurting Hidan's ears.

Obito tried to inch away from Hidan's hands, which were nearing his mask. To make sure he wouldn't move anymore, Hidan stabbed himself in the shoulder, too, causing Obito even more pain.

The ravenette felt fingertip slowly sliding his mask off. All the Jashinist could see so far was black.

And then, there was a loud ruffle in the trees. Hidan looked up, seeing a ginormous bird come out of hiding and fly over the two. "What the actual f –."

He got cut off as the bird took a gigantic shit in his mouth.

Immediately, an expression of disgust washed over Hidan's face. His skin turned back to normal, distracting him from his ritual and letting Tobi run.

Damn, was nature on Obito’s side today?

A few minutes later - after various attempts to cleanse his tongue and teeth - Hidan spat on the ground. He let out a long "Fuck", dragging the vowel for a good few seconds. He couldn't believe this.

He had failed. The Jashinist groaned. He would get a shit ton of teasing from Deidara later.

Plus, all that he had managed to do was learn more about Tobi's intangibility.

Oh, wait, he had managed to learn more about Tobi's intangibility! More than Deidara did!

His lips curled into a smile. At least he had that.

* * *

 

Obito ran as fast as he could before stopping. Wow. _Wow._

He had to admit, he had hid his laughter when seeing that bird’s feces in Hidan’s mouth. He let out a low chuckle. The image would haunt him for days.

Still, he couldn’t believe it. Had Hidan actually found out about his time limit? How? He gave no hints to that. How would he even know?

Obito frowned. The Akatsuki members were catching on faster than he thought they would.

Little to Obito’s knowledge, Hidan and the rest of the Akatsuki had no idea about this.

The immortal came back before evening, a bit mentally tired but overall okay.

“So, hm, did you find anything out?” The arsonist said, expecting Hidan to shake his head in defeat.

Instead, he grinned widely. “I actually fucking did! I found out that Tobi can’t stay intangible all the time.”

Deidara's jaw slackened. He couldn't believe it. This - this absolute moron... this bastard, accomplished more than him?

Were you fucking kidding him right now?

"How did you even find out about that?” Deidara asked, mentally raging. At least Hidan failed, Deidara thought, trying to make himself feel better.

“Well, I did some experimenting.” Hidan said, closing his eyes with a smug smirk on his face, “And I thought some stuff through.”

The Jashinist knew that what he was saying was partially a lie – he wanted to seem smart, okay?

Deidara snorted. “What? You? Thinking? That’s a lie.”

“No, it’s not!” Hidan yelled. It actually wasn’t a lie, but he knew the arsonist wouldn’t buy it. “At least I did a better job that you, bastard.”

The artist frowned. “Tell me exactly how you did a better job than me.”

“Didn’t I say earlier? I found out that he couldn’t remain intangible all the time. Use your fucking ears.”

“Kisame,” Kakuzu said, turning to the said man. “Pay up.”

The shark-like man sighed. He dug into his pockets, pulling out a twenty dollar bill and handing it over to Kakuzu. The charcoal-haired man took it.

“How’d you find out, Hidan?” Kisame asked, turning towards the silver-haired man.

“I performed my ritual on him, and almost slipped off his mask –.” Hidan answered, but got cut off by Deidara.

“ _Almost_?” He said, giving a sly smirk.

“Well, yeah. I got him fucking trapped – he couldn’t go anywhere. I stabbed myself a few times – felt fucking great – and while Tobi agonized in pain, I tried sliding his mask off. That motherfucker ran away though, because a bird –.”

The Jashinist’s eyes dropped, a look of depression washing over his face as he remembered the disgusting pile of shit that had landed in his mouth.

“Because a bird…?” Kisame said, wanting Hidan to continue. Both he and Deidara had smiles on their faces.

Hidan murmured something under his breath, but no one could decipher it. “Louder, hm!” The blond bomber said.

“A bird took a big ass shit and it landed in my mouth,” Hidan muttered, his voice barely audible. His expression was a mix of being revolted by the thought and embarrassment.

The entire room went quiet, but didn’t stay in the state for long. Deidara and Kisame were first to break the silence, bursting into laughter and doubling over with tears in their eyes. Although no one could see it, the corners of Kakuzu’s mouth lifted up. Itachi kept a poker face on, but he was actually just trying to hide a smile.

Hidan’s face went red. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything.

“Kami,” Deidara managed to say, laughing uncontrollably. “That is the funniest thing I have ever heard today!”

“How did it taste?” Kisame said, wiping a tear of joy. Hidan scowled.

“Enough of this nonsense,” Itachi said, his usual flat voice breaking the atmosphere, although he was enjoying the moment. “So, you failed, Hidan?”

“Do you want to fucking go, you damn Uchiha? So what if I failed! I got information, at least! You have no fucking right to judge me – you haven’t even done anything yet!”

Itachi looked at him, his Sharingan activated, blood red meeting magenta. “Tell us everything you know.”

“Fucking bastard, I already have! All I’ve learnt is that you can’t always phase through Tobi. He has the ability to become like that whenever he fucking wants.” Hidan turned towards Deidara, whose laughs had grown quieter. “And you! Stop laughing, motherfucker! I found out more than you did!”

Deidara’s grin didn’t falter. “At least I didn’t eat a pile of shit.”

By now, Kakuzu started to give little snorts, Kisame was on the floor, Itachi’s turned around, as he couldn’t hide his smile, and Deidara’s laugh getting louder and louder every time he thought about a bird taking a shit in Hidan’s mouth.

Hidan flushed with anger and embarrassment. He hoped they’d all die.

He really shouldn't have said anything.

* * *

 

**A/N: Hey! I said I would update last week, but some family stuff had been going on and I couldn't find the time to update, much less write. I hope you understand! This one was quite a long one. 6.2k words! Wow, never written that much before.**

**Hope you enjoyed! Tell me who you want to go next! I was maybe thinking Kisame? Anyways, I hope you stick on for the next update!**

**Cya!**

**-MK**


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